Friday, January 15, 2010

The Art of Heckling (some rules to live by at a sporting event)

I am the Heckler and You are not.

As someone who wears a shirt to games that says: The Heckler. I feel the need to reach out to the masses and help you out in the Art of Heckling. First off; Yes Heckling is an Art, amateurs need not apply. Secondly; you can't just haphazardly Heckle, you need dedication and patience. Here are some rules of engagement.

[The Rules of Heckling]

1. Don't curse. There is nothing worse than having the fans around you against your because you have a foul mouth. (I learned the hard way, you shouldn't have to.)

2. Don't be boring. Don't be a bore. Athletes have heard it all. "You suck!" "You're garbage!" "I hate you!" "What are you a little leaguer?" etc. If you want to be remembered you have to inventive. Say something that they may have never heard before. The smarter and funnier you are the more tolerance the crowd will show.

3. Don't be too drunk. First of all you WILL break rule #1 if you are too drunk. There will be a lot of apologies going around. Secondly you will NOT be as sharp as you want to be. You will be less creative and you will not make a lot of sense. Drinking can help you come up with some smart and funny stuff, just don't overdo it.

4. Be concise. Look you aren't debating the athlete. You are trying to get into that guys head so that your team has an edge that day. Try to keep it to short concise outbursts of sense. I am not saying just start shouting nonsense (I mean you can if you want, but it doesn't usually work.), but work on getting out the whole insult in one outburst.

5. Have fun. Remember, you paid $XXX to be at a sporting event of your choice. You want to watch the event. That is why you are there, heckling is just a nice side reward for your purchase. You are not there to just Heckle. Even the Heckler watches the game. Why? It is because in the end you are not being paid by the team to be "a team Heckler". You are there to have fun and watch what you hope is a victory for you team.

Okay now that you have some of the rules of engagement, here are some "go to" phrases that you can use if you want.

[Baseball Game] - Behind Opponents Dugout

(as the players are coming off the field into the dugout)

"Hey nice error out there ______, how about next time you open your eyes and use your glove instead of failing like that."

"Hey __________, I made 2 less errors than you did and I'm not even playing. Wait I guess I dropped that beer. Okay 1 less, I still win though." (if you are not drunk it can be pretty funny)

"What's the matter with number ___?
He's a BUM!" (only works if you can get a couple of people around you to yell, "he's a bum!")

"Hey ________ how does it feel to single handily cost your team ___ runs? Even I feel bad for you."

Just stand up and clap, REALLY loudly, shaking your head saying: "WOW" over and over again at the players running off the field. If you want it to look really good have 3 or 4 people in your group and do it together. (only works if the other team did something REALLY stupid.)

(as the opponents are up to bat and waiting on the on-deck circle)

"Hey _______ watch this; _______ is going to K your boy up there and then he is going to get you. Don't look at me baby, concentrate on your fate up there."

(after he has struck out and walking back to the dugout)

"I told you baby...he owns you and your team today. (after he looks at you again) Now I own you too small fry. Now go out there and make some errors!"

Somewhere down the line I will give you some "go to" lines for the outfield. Then, a bit before March Madness I will go into some "go to" phrases for a basketball game.

-The Heckler


  1. Nobody does it better than the Heckler himself... I'll always remember him at that Giants vs. Dodgers game in Pac Bell (or ATT or whatever the fuck they call it)....

    PA Announcer: "Now batting for the Dodgers, second baseman, Jeff Kent."

    Crowd: Smattering of boos from SF fans, a bit of applause from Dodger fans...

    Heckler (as crowd quiets down, at top of lungs): [Stands up, cups hands around mouth] "FUCCCKKKK YOUUU JEFFFF KENTTT!"

    Ross: [Facepalm, turns to make sure I don't have to dodge any food being thrown at Heckler]


  2. I apologized right away.

    dad sitting in front of me with his young son: Yea you're sorry.

    Heckler: Hey...I said I was sorry. (shrugged my shoulders and gave him a what do you want I am drunk look.)

    dad sitting in front of me with his young son: [stunned look and then sits down.]

    Heckler: [looks at Ross and just shrugs and sits down.]

    -The Heckler