Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Art of Heckling: March Madness Edition

Okay students of the Obnoxious here is your instructor (me the Heckler) once again back to teach you the, "Art of Heckling".

Last time we talked about what to do at a Baseball Game (if you are sitting near homeplate.)

This time is I will let you know what to do if you are attending a Basketball Game.

Sitting Court-Side

Okay, here is the thing. A basketball game is different than going to a baseball game. You have a lot more leeway at a basketball game. There are more moments of insanity for the whole arena. You don't have to be as choice with your words (like at a baseball game). You just have to pick your spots effectively.

For instance you cannot start a tirade about how garbage the other team has been playing if that team is in the mist of a 12-0 run to get back into the game.


You shouldn't point out how garbage a player is unless that player has actually been garbage.

So... here are the rules of engagement at a Basketball Game:

1. Try not to curse. You shouldn't curse but there are a lot more knuckleheads out there at a basketball game, so you can get away with a few "F" bombs if you need.

2. Be creative/funny. Look, just like at a professional baseball game, these guys have heard it all. In fact these guys have heard it since they were in junior high school. So if you think you can drop a, "you suck _____, your game is nothing." You won't even get the crowd behind you. You need to think of something that they will stop and contemplate. Something that will make them turn their head a little towards your direction.

3. Don't get too drunk. Beer is a great starter. Don't get carried away though. IF you get too carried away then the crowd will report you to a security guard and then you are no longer at the event because you are talking to some rent-a-cop. You don't want that, your friends don't want that.

4. Make sure you make sense. Just because you can ramble a bit more at a basketball event doesn't mean you should be a rambling fool. Be obnoxious by all means, but make sure you can relate to everyone around you that you have some sort of intellectual competence; there is nothing worse then having fans yell at you for being stupid.

5. Pick your target. Don't heckle the WHOLE damn team. You aren't ME. Pick one or two guys that are going to be "your bitch" for that night. Just wear them out and they will hear you eventually. They can ignore you all they want but, if you ride them for the whole game you may get lucky near the end.

6. Enjoy the Game. Remember you are not being paid by the team to Heckle for them. If they are well... more power to you (you are better than I and maybe you should be doing this.); yet for the rest we are not getting paid. So above all...Have fun and enjoy the game. How many games can you afford to go to? Enjoy it.

Normally here I would give you some go to lines. Yet when it comes to basketball I am a little more juvenile and a little more crass than most people like, so I will just leave it to your imaginations as to what the go to lines could be.

I will leave you with one just as a teaser for what could have been.

"Are you sure that you were supposed to miss that Free Throw? I mean come on dude you have just as many points as my blind grandmother. Even she had better form than you! Maybe you should practice those Freebies big boy and not eat so many of those hand rolled burritos your girl likes to make for you and all the boys in the neighborhood. Tell her I missed her this morning when she left."

(If you haven't been hit in the face by the guy that is 5 feet in front of you, you will get at least a couple of beers bought for you by the drunkies that liked it. Along with the fact that that guy will DEFINITELY remember you.)

BTW...if you are at a college game and try this you will have to worry about getting thrown out along with the guy 5 ft in front of you wanting to punch you in the face.

Enjoy March Madness Kids.

Class is Out for the day.

-The Heckler

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